a little about me...

 I have recently (last 2 years) had a bit of a life changing occurrence - resulting in me realising what is really important in life. Believe it or not it’s not whether you stay really late at work or reply to that 12am email, it’s also not whether you have a thigh gap or a high tight ass (although that would be nice) it’s the things that make you smile. the kind of smile you have that stretches right inside you and makes you feel all warm and fuzzy (like needing a wee but nicer) its having the people (and animals) around you to keep you smiling that way, and if they don't, then don't waste your smiles on them.

It’s about enjoying every moment and being who you want to be not who everyone else wants you to be.

 It all sounds so cheeseball huh... and yeah, it probably is, but like I just said, I couldn't actually care a doddle!

My life was nearly cut short and I refuse to waste any more of my precious time doing things that I don't enjoy or with people that I don't enjoy.  So, therefore, with that in mind, here is a little bit about me...

I like the smell of tetra fish flakes and munching on those fake hot dog sausages from a tin (5% meat content is still meat people) I like eating lunch on my own with my book, I like thinking about volunteering but never actually getting round to doing it. I like sponsoring my 3 dogs that I’m not allowed to go and see because they're too damn violent and kill other, smaller things. I like a freezing cold bedroom and a warm bed, I like American TV dramas where everything centralises on America being the best nation in the world, being under attack but then winning the day with a slight 5 second glimpse to the rest of the world. I love old movies where ladies were ladies, men were gentlemen and love was romantic.

I love my friends, all of them, I have known most of them for way longer than any of us care to remember (or admit) and I know that it will be that way forever now. Others have come and gone - the true ones have stayed and I couldn't be luckier with my lot.

(I just wished they/I lived closer...!)

I’m learning to love my bum.

I love my family, they are officially the best family in the world – they have their issues, don’t get me wrong but they are perfect to me, because they loved me even when I had black hair with red streaks and looked slightly like Rosie Webster In Coronation Street when she went all gothic and emo, we are a very small family but a very happy family, I am proud when I am with every single member, and would do anything for any of them. (That’s the Welsh in me..!)

 

I love the 5 finger rule and enlightening people on how it works. (Ask if you want to know but this has sorted me out on more than one occasion and I am happy to show you what to do and how it can cure any bad mood)

I love winning, I hate losing, I love thinking about winning and then I love the smell of a competition. I see pretty much everything as a competition, I start to itch if I know I can potentially win at something (they make creams for that) I love being right all of the time, even when I’m blatantly wrong I like to think I have a knack of making people see my point of view.

Once, when I was at school, I held the title of “fastest girl in Hereford” I was racing in the 100m race for county and I started to lose… I could see I was going to come second and so I pulled up with a “bad ankle” the shame – I feel better now I have that off my chest, but I just couldn’t lose. My mum saw straight through it though, she’s so wise. (Evil genius)

I love playing card games and board games with my Nan and Pops in their breakfast room and shouting “donkey” at Pops because he loses at Ludo and, much like me, almost tips the board upside down in a huff,

I like spending money, I don’t like then realising I have none because I’m wearing it all 3 days into pay day but then I have a countdown to the next one so I can learn to do my weekly shop on £20.. (It is possible)

I like to drink a nice wine and eat nice food. I also like parsley sauce, a lot. Sometimes there’s nothing better than a big old greasy burger with the latest Heat magazine and come dine with me on the TV though, as much as I like dressing up I am a huge fan of pyjamas. Whatever time of the day.

I have a new, slightly odd but only mild obsession with sausages. Real ones (as well as the fake ones) now I have finally learned to cook them

I love Lewis Carroll and have moments where I think I may once have been Alice. –I collect Alice in Wonderland and any Lewis Carroll book, my big bookcase is full of them, yes, the same story over and over again – sometimes when I’m down I read them and they cheer me up.  I love a good cup of builder’s tea in the garden – the stronger the better.

 

I love all animals, except cows. I don’t really have anything against them but I think in a former life I was killed riding a cow across a train crossing as I also have an irrational fear of them too. (and toothpaste)

I like high shoes and a good dance but I prefer high shoes and a table to sit at with friends.  I like the old cliché of being outside in the rain, I like getting ready for a party listening to terrible cheesy music.

I love ducks even though they have a vendetta against me, they really do. It is my lifelong mission to make ducks love me, I will keep plugging away at them in the vain hope one day they will reward me (not sure if ducks are aware of the concept of reward but hey ho)

I love my doggy Louis, he was born with a gammy leg but it only makes me love him more, he had a whole life before me which I don’t think about, I just know that since he came to be with me he has made my little life so much better, sometimes I think he smiles at me. Actually, I think it’s just wind.

My mum is my best friend and the best mother I could ever ask for. I can never win an argument or pretend to be anything other than my annoying self around her as she knows me better than anyone. She’s a treasure and I am so proud of her.

Once, when I was about 12, I had short hair like a boy, and even though I was wearing a pink coat, a girl asked me out thinking I was a boy. This has stayed with me as one of the more embarrassing moments of my life. I blame my mum for the haircut I then went on to have 6 perms in a row and ended up looking like a Fraggle for most of the 90’s

Nobody in my family will play board games with me because I get so angry, my mum thinks she’s Donald Frigging Trump when she’s on the monopoly board and it winds me up, her and my brother gang up on me because they want to see me cry.. It usually works. I’m pathetic

I love my roomie – Boffy (other names include Walt/Dwight/Jim). I think I'm now too old to call him my boyfriend, so "roomie" will do for now. I waited a very long time to feel this happy with somebody else and I am not letting him go for anything! (I hope) he loves me for being just me, plain boring old, happy to stay in and cwtch, me. I think he is the kindest, nicest person I have ever met and I tell him that all the time. Even if we had never got together I would still think that. He is a diamond and I count myself as very lucky.

I love Sunflowers, Daffodils and Tulips.

I have the hands of a 90 year old and I hate my toenails, I once auditioned for x-factor and didn’t make it past round 1 (this is not the TV stage in case you wondered, there are about 4 rounds before you meet the judges so I didn’t even get to see Dannii Minogue and lust after her dress) basically I was crap but one of the producers liked my shoes so all was not lost.

One day I will grow something and eat it – that’s my goal (in a very Shayne Ward type way) until then I will always be the crap, impatient woman who forgets to water things and then they die…

I am so happy with my lot, if this is all I have forever then I will be a very lucky person - I have nothing to be sad about as long as everyone around me is healthy and happy and I am still here. That's what I have learnt in the last 2 years, people spend far too much of their short lives moaning and being sad and doing things that don't make them happy. I won't be that person.

Sometimes it takes a huge life event to make you realise you don't need to go chasing rainbows because the rainbows were right in front of your eyes all along.

I love Christmas

I hate snow – bah humbug

TV = real life (yes, really)

well. it's been 8 months since I last wrote anything for this blog.




definition of the word "blog" : A Web site on which an individual or group of users record opinions, information, etc. on a regular basis





the word to note here is "regular" like the size of McDonalds meal nobody ever orders, or how you want your period to be every month when "accidentally" having unprotected sex. when put in context of me being regular with updating this I have failed.

miserably


and you all know how much I hate to lose....


anyway, this time I have decided to share some rather embarrassing thoughts with you about TV. well, more precisely, American DVD Box sets and my slight obsession with them...


last night I had the weirdest dream, I have spent the last few months watching Lost from the start and am now 3 episodes from the end. I'm so excited I might wet myself yet there's this looming dark cloud lurking right at the corner of my vision... it gets closer every time I watch an episode. soon it will be right over me. ill finish watching the last episode and, "Bang!" (firework? gun? head on wall?) that's it. back to my normal life. no more thinking that every time my phone does something funny it's because I'm suddenly living in an electro magnetised cottage, or if I see one of the numbers 4 8 15 16 23 42 anywhere I immediately believe I'm one of the chosen ones. like when you come out of the cinema after watching a horror movie, then go to the loo and nobody else is in there. we all pretend like were in that movie and sit on the loo thinking that someone's climbing the walls or we can hear noises. and we all speak with an stupid American accent in our heads. don't lie. I know it's not just me.


for the last 3 months I've lived and breathed this blasted TV show. I remember when I did the same with 24 and for months I thought I was actually working for CTU, I would cross the road quicker in case a blacked out vehicle came and kidnapped me. I would pretend I had a gun in my trousers (I was pleased to see everyone) and run around corners then stop and wait. it was pathetic. I even found myself in my own bathroom (when alone..I fear Alistair would finish it if he ever heard me doing this) talking to myself in that crap American accent about a new secret mission I had been assigned. honestly, my life became like a low budget, pants episode of 24.
 

and then I watched sex and the city. now, the one thing in my favour here is that EVEY girl that has ever watched the show has pretended they are one of the characters and sat in a bar with a cocktail or a drink thinking they are Carrie, or Samantha, or Charlotte, or the other one. (ahh who am I kidding, on all the "which character are you" quizzes I was always Miranda - my sarcastic humour is attractive - apparently) and that men are instantly more attracted to us because we pretend we don't know they are there when actually all were doing is trying harder to ignore them than we would normally and we sit there talking about our sex lives and which toys we've tried recently (again, in our heads this is all done in a crap American accent) but it doesn't quite work when sat in an O'Neill's in the middle of Northampton with a slightly cloudy glass of some shite sauvignon - especially when the men don't play the part we want them too. where are the men's in suits? where are the men who like their steaks "red" and send over champagne? where are the men from new York...!? well, duh, they're hardly hanging in Northampton.


the funny thing is, when I was consumed by my SATC (that's abbreviated for the true "fans") addiction I got angry at my boyfriend for not behaving like the men in the show. how pathetic is that. as if my wonderful HUMAN REAL boyfriend was a failure because he wasn't behaving how some scripted, FAKE man on the tele was. it's the same with rom-coms. we have a right tizz on when our men don't whisk us onto some yacht after finding out our favourite childhood book character, proposing with our dead grandmas ring they asked our mum for then spending the evening dancing to Michael Buble (because they know how much we love him) nope..we get men trying to drink as much wine as us, which because they aren't used to it, means they get twice as pissed as us, make idiots of themselves and invariably are sick/angry or both. and the minute a bit of Buble comes on in a restaurant, the moaning commences.
 

anyway, back to Lost. so I know the end is nigh. I know I have about 12 hours of bonus features I can watch to drag it out a bit longer but there's only so many bloopers you can watch where they are clearly faking the laughter because they know it's going on the blooper reel. seriously...saying a word wrong is never THAT funny guys, no matter how famous or American you are.






when it ends I will just be plain old me, no being slightly late leaving for work because you have to finish the last few minutes of an episode, no enemies lurking, no magnets, no numbers, no more drinking cocktails I hate and will never drink again but it makes me look so sophisticated to drink it sat at this table with 3 other girlfriends. (but darn it, why are 2 of us brunette.. that's not how it goes, there's meant to be ONE brown, one red head and 2 blondes. someone is going to have to change their hair), no buying ridiculous sex toys because I think they make me more of a conversationalist (note to self... it's better to be quiet and have a great sex life than spout about it all the time and clearly just be lying) no more thinking I could be the president of the United States (West Wing, never really did get further than series 1 of that though) no more wearing ridiculous hats with shorts, a gold jumper and high heels just to pop to the shops because I live in NORTHAMPTON NOT NEW YORK. no more living in a little fantasy world, no more starting to think Hurley is mildly attractive because he's funny (yes really) no more thinking that I would blatantly choose Sawyer over Jack (Kate - you pleb) - basically for about a week my life will cease to exist.
 

just me.. and my terrible American accent which NOBODY will ever hear (unless you're in my bathroom in the mornings that is...)


well...until the new series of Dexter starts that is. then my serial killer dubious thoughts resume and I start collecting blood samples on glass slides and wishing I had a fan duct on my wall I could hide them in...


abso-fuckin-lutley



emms
x

Why do they call it a “bucket list”? And, isn’t the word “bucket” really weird when you say it a few times…

*** NOW WITH UPDATED COMMENTS - HOW EXCITING****

As part of my turning 30 saga (24 May 2012… its like the worst kind of deadline… “24^th May 2012”…. The day Emma Sewell's pubes officially go grey, she cant drink wine to save her life and one or more of her joints seize up in bed and she is forced to utter the immortal words “ooo it wasn’t like that in my day..)

anyway - I have created a bucket list of things to do before the god for-saken day arrives. In the interest of sharing I have decided to let you all in on the list, mainly because then, once other people know about it, I actually have to do something about it.

When I started writing the list I didn’t want to fill it with all the pointless crap that most people do “ooo, be primeminister, swim wth dolphins, get married and pop out 3 ugly little rats” I wanted to put on it things which I actually WANTED to achieve and things I thought I COULD achieve. Also things which, up until now, I have been too scared to do, for no reason other than the fact that other peoples opinions matter WAAAAY too much to me.

So, here is the list (version 769) and my explanations for each. I have also given a short progress report, as the ruddy thing has been live and burned into my brain for nearly 5 months now and I haven’t done nearly as much as I should of.

Slight diversion… This is the trouble with lists, I love making them but then I just look at them and try and remember why I made it in the first place. So,I inevitably end up making a new list. Basically, im organised….to a point. Then im just crap.

Learn to swim

Yes, I am 29 years old and I cant swim. When I was at school I used to run instead. When it came to swimming I was that loser who had 2 verucca socks on and stayed in the shower area for most of the lesson, then got in the pool, flailed around for ten minutes then got out. Watching people jump in in their tshirts swimming after cuddly toys was not my idea of an enjoyable Tuesday afternoon, I just wanted to be on the track, running. So, sadly I just never really learnt. I got my red badge (not were why they were called badges when as far as I can remember it was a piece of fabric) and never my blue.

Since then I have attempted to swim on holidays, made up a few of my own strokes (the helicopter being my favourite) got my boyfriend to try and teach me, when my attention and enthusiasm both wained he also got bored and frustrated. I have held a float and looked like some slightly mental old lady floating and trying not to get my hair wet, tried holding my nose underwater without panicking but I just don’t like it. Im not good at it because my arms are those of a 10 year old boys, I don’t like being underwater, I don’t like water and im a bit bitter about it all to be honest. Therefore I added it to the list.

Status – MARCH 2014 - STILL CAN'T SWIM. Started, then got bored, started again, got a bit bored. thinking of starting again

Go round a grass maze

My obsession with Alice in Wonderland prompts this. I have NEVER been around a maze. Me and my friend Kelly Williams (who wont mind me using her name for the purpose of this story) used to use the grass cuttings on the local field and make a maze but the fact it was only an inch high and the wind blew it away the minute you started kind of defeated the point. I don’t know why I have never been to one but by May 2012.. I will…

STATUS - MARCH 2014 - haven't been yet., still hoping..

Visit Rome

I love Rome.

I think.

I’ve never been there so I can’t really confirm that I love it, and I don’t think reading the Da Vinci code a couple of times forms the basis for an actual opinion on it but I think, deep down, I will love it so I want to go.

I’ve been to a LOT of places in the world, I’ve been very lucky. Just never Italy. 

Status - March 2014 - TICK!! went for New Year 2013 with Boffy - awesome!!

Get published in marketing week

Now, it used to be my ambition to get in the “crap celeb spot of the week” in Heat Magazine, since then I have fine tuned my ambitions and upgraded myself and now I think I am worthy of at least getting my opinion published in marketing week.

STATUS MARCH 2014– haven’t done anything about it… one for next year maybe

Grow my hair

As you have probably guessed I get bored very easily. I have only ever had hair as long as my shoulders and never any longer. This pains me to tell you all but when I was about 10 my mum cut my hair into that of a boy (photo is below. Sadly) and I actually looked like a boy. So much so that I once got asked out by a girl who thought I was a boy. I was wearing a pink coat and im pretty sure the term “metrosexual” hadn’t been coined back in the 90’s so gawd knows why she thought I was a boy but it stands as one of my most embarrassing moments in life.

Therefore I keep trying to grow it. The problem is, it gets to a length and I get bored so in a fit of madness I chop it all off again. Currently its about 3 inches above my shoulders and I want it about 8 inches longer than this. Deadline of “24^th May 2012” is not looking likely given that in that time I will probably lop another 5 inches off (im not Carol bloody Vorderman, I have no idea how many inches that means ill end up with)

STATUS - MARCH 2014 - its growing! been growing it for almost a year, I can safely say its grown about 2 inches in that 12 months. clearly I am crap at growing hair!

Grow something from start to finish and not kill it or get bored (vegetable)

Now, before I start I just want to point out I am very good with humans and animals. They make noises when needing food so I’m not likely to forget about them. Plants and vegetables however, do not. They just sit there, needing stuff and not asking for it. Therefore, whenever they die under my care I don’t think its technically my fault. They should evolve into having squeaks or something so I remember…

Status – currently attempting “windowsill courgettes” prognosis – a bit limp

Tone up my upper legs – once and for all! (before the sagging starts!)

I have a bit of a booty. It took me years to accept that my bum was not put on this earth to annoy me/make me cry/be seen from space – it was actually put here to please mens hands (which it seems to, thankfully) and look good in tight jeans. Its larger than normal but it was designed that way and I like it. I don’t hide it with jumpers anymore, I’m over that. Now I embrace the curves and wear them proudly.. j-lo eat your heart (or big mac) out..

The problem is underneath it. When I was at uni and living on cheese toasties and £15 chinese takeaways just for me, I put on about 16 stone (slight exaggeration, it was about 2) went up to a size 14, felt horrendous but instead I just carried on drinking VK orange and Lambrini and piling on the bloat. Before this I had been a runner, a very thin runner. When I left uni and went travelling I resembled about 3 runners all together and because of this I was left with a lovely fat deposit at the top of each of my legs. Thankfully I am back to being nice and slim again now, but the bloody stuff stuck. And it wont budge. No matter how much I walk/run/attempt to swim for half a length it wont shift and before “24^th May 2012” it needs too….

STATUS - MARCH 2014 - have accepted myself for who I am

(who am I kidding, TRUE update - still trying)

Go out one night without any makeup on!

I’m actually pretty proud of myself as I have already done this! I did it in June – I was on a night out with my friend Cat, told her all about my list, told her this one and she laughed and said I would never be able to do it, so I promptly took myself off to the loo (see, I love a challenge) ripped off my false eyelashes, washed my face and came back out and sat in the bar.

Frankly, it was pointless. I recommend NOBODY ever do it. I mean, whats the point. Make up has been invented, for a reason and im not arrogant or bold enough to think I can go through life without a scrap on ever. Its what gives us girls an edge over men and it makes me feel good. I don’t wear loads but 29 years on this earth has taught me the best and worst parts of myself so I know how to look semi-fit now – but I need make up for it.

I sat in the bar, felt pride for about 10 seconds then had to get utterly rat arsed just so I couldn’t see the horrific sight staring at me in the toilet mirror. A pointless exercise and one I will never be repeating…

 horrific...

STATUS MARCH 2014 - christ, reading about myself 3 years ago does make me chuckle! as if thats the most important thing in the world huh! i reguarly go without make up these days and look like a troll for, ooo, I'd say, 60% of the week - silly 2011 Emms!

So, there they are. There are more but if I lay them all out then I ill have too many things to do and my to-do list at the moment already has “ring the vets, book doctors, pay bills etc on it, I don’t think adding “achieve more life goals” will make me feel any better about things… ill stick to this little list for now and see how I go…

Wish me luck!

Emms

Warning – this technique will NOT turn you into Uma Thurman…

So, a few of you were asking “Emma, what on EARTH is this 5 finger rule you are harping on about”

Well, young disciples… (fyi - by the way that is the hardest word to spell, took me 6 attempts to get it right and I love spelling) I shall tell you..

Not to be confused with the “five pointed palm exploding heart technique” famously seen on one of the Kill Bills (I think it was the one where that birds eye got popped out and trod on in the caravan…

GET THAT UMBERELLA SPOKE AWAY FROM MY EYE YOU MANIAC

(sorry, just had visions of being in town surrounded by old ladies wielding vicous umberellas when it starts to rain, im petrified someone will one day poke out my eyeball with it)… but, I digress..

Yes, not to be confused with the FPPEHT (cant be arsed to write it again) as it doesn’t let you a) murder anyone in one of the best ways possible, b) allow you the power to break out of a buried coffin with just your knuckles or c) turn your feet into utter monstrosties.. (I don’t care how much you wiggle your big toe love, its not going to make it any prettier)

No, the 5 finger rule is much more simple and easy than that and is guaranteed not to inflict pain on anyone (unlike a game of “mercy” also involving using your fingers and something which I kick ass at when I play with the boyf)

MERCY

…back in the room Sewell…

So, the five finger rule – in its simplest form is a tool I use to cheer myself up. And you can use it too. That’s it, it makes you smile, drags you away from the edge of the cliff/step ladder/train bridge (whichever metaphor you want to use) and makes you realise that life isn’t that bad, that there are good things going on and also makes you realise the areas of your life that maybe you need to put some work into..

Start by choosing 5 areas of your life which are important to you

(mine, in case you wondered are; family, love, friends, job and my body)

These can be anything….don’t focus on things you are unhappy about just pick the 5 most IMPORTANT  things to you..

Then, put your hand in front of you with your fingers down and clenched.

(either hand, maybe you only have one hand, so just use that one.. obvs)

Now.. start with the first category…if it is at a good stage in your life lift your first finger..

(eg ; say “love” if your love life is pretty darn good, and I don’t mean because you had a tiff about skidmarks in pants or not buying you flowers, lets get some perspective here people!) then raise your first finger in front of you) you don’t have to even have a boyf/girlf, if you are happily single like I was for a good few years then this also counts!

Then follow with the others. For an area that isn’t going so well at the moment, leave your finger down.

Now, once you have done all 5  - look at your hand.  – right in front of you

Usually people have 3 or 4 fingers up, right in front of them. This is your life!

Your life is good right…!?!

NOW STOP FOCUSSING ON THE ONE OR TWO FINGERS THAT ARE STILL DOWN AND BE GLAD, GRATEFUL AND HAPPY THAT THE ONES THAT ARE UP ARE UP!

I felt the need to shout this at you as some people drive me potty, always focussing on the negative in their lives. Anything that goes wrong becomes a whole dramatic “woe is me” situation and I cant abide it. Lets all remember the good that goes on in our lives, and (not getting too preachy here, im an atheist, I have no hidden agenda) this is what we should be cheery about.

Whenever I am feeling down or a bit sorry for myself (and im not perfect, Christ I had a big old snotty cry last night over practically nothing) I do this and by god, it reminds me that I am not that bad off and pretty darn lucky.

Try it now… if you can raise even 2 fingers then you have a lot to be grateful for.

Disclaimer - And, if by any stretch of the imagination you can only raise 1 finger (or god forbid none) then please remember that this techinique is NOT certified by the British medical board, I hold NO medical qualifications and you can’t sue my ass for making you feel worse, I will however offer to come and talk you down from the step ladder..

Happy fingers!

Emms

p.s – the reason I invented this (and I’m not going to take it on Dragons Den, I cant see Sainsburys stocking it next to the Reggae Reggae sauce and me and Levi going on tour around shopping centres together) is because (here’s the honest bit) I suffered BADLY with that horrid over used and mis-understood word “depression” for much of my early twenties, I was one of the people that annoy me so much now, instead of using pills, I decided to face it and deal with it myself. This is a simple thing to do but by god it works for me. I hope it can do the same to you.